Lews Canon

Lews Canon

Private Investigator

My name is Lews Canon. I’m a Private Investigator. A Dick.

If you’re wondering about my name, let me assure you, Lews Canon is my real name. Actually, it is Lews Bullseye Canon. Given to me by a man with a strange sense of humor.

My father.

What do you expect from a guy whose name is Bigg Canon and who is only five feet three inches tall, in elevator shoes, is as skinny as a third world refugee and has a head as bald and big as a water melon?  Fortunately, I didn’t inherit his genes. I’m five-eleven and I have a healthy carpet of hair on my head. It is red, but otherwise I’m a normal looking guy, except for my eyes.

One is brown, the other one blue. Courtesy of my grandfather, Bullseye Canon.

That’s right. Bullseye! That’s how I got my middle name.

As you can see I come from a long line of comedians.

I have no kids and I may never have any. It seems this leg of the Canon line will end with me. Perhaps lucky for those unborn potential children. But, should I for some reason have children, I would never give them names like Bigg, Lews, Bullseye, or any other similar cute name. I’m not married, probably will stay single until the day I die. What sane woman would want to marry a guy who is hardly home, who spends his evenings sitting in a car, listening in on other people’s phone calls and watches husbands cheating on their wives or a wife screwing another man instead of her husband?

Unless she’s Sonya. Sonya McKinnon. She tends bar in the nightclub across from my office. I can’t figure out why a gorgeous chick like her would even think about marrying a guy like me. She could have any of the guys who are constantly hitting on her. Most of them are married, the majority of them are drunks and gamblers, but a few are actually upstanding citizens and would probably make good husbands.

She’s never shown any interest in any of them. The only one she’s interested in is yours truly. Don’t ask me why. I’ve told her many times that I’m not the marrying kind, but she won’t hear of it. Don’t get me wrong, I like her and we are good together. Sex with her is more than just satisfying. She is a passionate woman and holds nothing back. However, I can’t see myself tied to only one woman for the rest of my natural life, which may not be that long, considering the work I do.

Like I said, I’m a Dick. Sounds so crude. Private Investigator sounds so much more sophisticated, more glamorous. It conveys a life full of danger and adventure.

Believe me, it is nothing but. Most of the time it is boring.

There is nothing glamorous about watching a bored housewife screwing a guy in the backseat of his car and trying to snap a picture that shows her face and the face of the guy she’s banging.

Sometimes I take videos. Anything to give the husband the weapons he needs for a divorce to end in his favor.

When it comes to child support and support in general, the courts still seem to rule in favor of the wife. A husband who is cheated on needs concrete evidence to support his claim.

Sometimes the guy a woman is cheating with is also married. That’s when it becomes messy.